INT. DAY. SMALL TOWN RESTAURANT.
MIKE is a balding fifty something man. He bosses around his employees at the restaurant that he and his wife, DEE run. DEE is a sweet woman who is motherly and kind. MIKE is obnoxious and energetic. He is prone to wearing sweater vests and sweating profusely when it gets busy. He is also a hindrance to his employees as they try to work around him. DEE helps everyone and never complains.
Mike and Dee are now upstairs in the restaurant looking at the nearly packed house. Mike's face starts to turn red.
MIKE
Alice! Go get some ice. The machine is nearly empty.
DEE
Mike, I think that she knows what to do, honey.
MIKE
You're right. I think they have it under control up here. Maybe we should go back downstairs and finish paperwork.
DEE
Okay. We're going downstairs.
Both DEE and MIKE walk to the back of the restaurant and head down the stairs.
#2
EXT. NIGHT. CORNER OF 2ND AND 76TH STREET, DETROIT, MI
JON is a pimp daddy. He grew up on the streets and has made many enemies. He doesn't trust people and always sleeps with one eye open. JILLY is a pro. More specifically JON'S pro and he will do anything to keep her. JON is tall and thin with blond balding hair and shady wondering eyes. JILLY has reddish blond hair and is thin. She takes care of herself as much as possible.
JON
Don't think about it, Jilly. You do what I want when I want and we're all happy.
JILLY
I never said I won't Jonny.
JON
Nah, you didn't but I don't like that look in your eyes. You know what you're risking if you screw up, don'tcha doll?
JILLY
Like you need to remind me.
JON
Good. Go to work.
JON stalks off into the night and JILLY stays put. She gathers some inner strength and turns, walking towards the other girls. Strength in numbers.
2 comments:
Hey amanda--
there's a lot you don't get to do in writing screenplays--and a lot you do. One of the things that doesn't work is "He bosses around his employees at the restaurant ...DEE is a sweet woman who is motherly and kind. MIKE is obnoxious and energetic.... He is also a hindrance to his employees as they try to work around him. DEE helps everyone and never complains."
All of this material may become clear but only if you write it into scenes, not as description. Show Mike screaming at some waitress unfairly and then Dee coming over and comforting her and you get the characters across. But we have to see it.
Anyway, you start that scene (although you don't show us Alice) but then let Mike off the hook and give him some calm and reasonable lines.
So, how about tweaking that?
In contrast to my comments on MIke and Dee, I think this works fine: "He doesn't trust people and always sleeps with one eye open."
An actor can convey that in a second with a single close-up expression.
I'm always telling people 'less is more' as far as dialog goes: it has to snap, and for my money this could go and by dropping it the scene gains tension:
"JON
Nah, you didn't but I don't like that look in your eyes. You know what you're risking if you screw up, don'tcha doll?
JILLY
Like you need to remind me.
"
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