EXT. THE STREETS. NIGHT.
JENNY
"Honey? What are you doin' out here?"
C.U of JENNY, surprised expression on her face.
Look to JILLY who looks dissappointed and resigned.
"You know Jonny. What Jonny wants, Jonny gets. I just do what he says." JILLY sighs.
JENNY looks sad for a minute before her face clears.
JENNY
"Hey! Don't get all down on yourself, gurl. You got friends here or at least you got me. At least the gurls here know Jonny."
JENNY looks away, her face momentarily strained.
JILLY
"Yeah I know. So how is your little one? Still getting in trouble at school?" C.U. of JILLY looking interested and excited.
JENNY
"Oh, gurl. You know my Jeffrey. He is a handful."
JENNY's hands are flying with her words.
JENNY
"He's just like a rocket and someday I'm gonna give that little boy some room to fly." C.U. of Jenny showing a far away look in her eyes.
"Someday I'm gonna get us a house far away where no one knows us and that little boy can have a little boy's life.Gurl, you should get out of here while you still have a chance."
JILLY
"Not with Jonny in the picture. He'll never let us go." C.U. JENNY worry, resignation and brokeness all conflicting on her face.
The two girls are silent for a moment, fidgetting in the cold. A car pulls up and JENNY leans forwards as the window rolls down.
JENNY
"Hey baby! Need a date?" Her voice suggestive.
A disembodied voice calls back. "I want the redhead. She looks cute."
JILLY turns to JENNY
"I guess that would be me. Bye sweetie." C.U. shows resignationation, but when she turns towards the car her face and body show nothing but sex. JILLY walks to the car, hips swaying, steps light as if she has no cares in the world.
JILLY
"Hey baby -"
"Just get in." The voice responds, cutting her off.
She does and the car drives away, taillights fading quickly.
INT. DAY 7AM. CRAPPY APARTMENT IN THE CITY. - MORNING
JILLY
"Stacey! Stacey, are you up yet?"
A small tousled blonde head pops out from the covers. STACEY yawns and grumbles before JILLY appears in the doorway.
JILLY
"Stacey. Get up sweetie. Time to go to school so Mommy can go to work." C.U. JILLY lloking at her daughter, love shining on her face.
STACEY
"Mommy! I don't want to go to school. Stevie pulls my hair." C.U. petulant look on STACEY'S face.
JILLY
"That's because he likes you, Sweets. Hurry up. We need to get going." JILLY turns away with a swish of her waitress skirt.
3 comments:
When you get the cinergy up, you'll have an easier time with format--the quotation marks, for example, aren't there in scripts. The disembodied voice from the car customer needs the cap and centering any character needs and can't be part of a graf--you're starting to write a novel treatment!
Really you have to try this scene on cinergy because it will force you in to the mold and let you just think about the scenes.
More:
"THe streets" is not quite enough--city, slum, downtown, small town, suburbs, california streets, jersey streets, bangor streets?
Amanda-- It's not your fault but I'm going to have a hard time warming up to a street scene with prostitutes--so I tend to go negative in comments. What that means for you is that you have to overcome my resistance and make it very very sharp indeed. Part of the problem is the lack of cinergy.
The rest is always the writer's problem--proving to the watcher that the stuff on the screen is worth the price of the ticket.
YOu're doing some things nicely: there's action here and the characters have dramatic necessity--problems to be solved and you make those clear.
But try less dialogue.
Here's a sample of what I mean:
JILLY
You know Jonny. I just do what he says.
JENNY
Hey, you got friends out here-- you got me. We all know Jonny.
Does that seem too naked, missing all the stuff you want to put in? Tell me if it does and we can debate about it, to both our benefits.
I love the pros. They seem very fun to me. Anyways this is a cut and paste straight from Cinergy so if it doesn't work for ya, I don't know what to do. I am actually using the Cinergy program and this is what it did for me... I am at a loss as to what to do to make this right.
See if my email helps with cinergy.
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