INT. TRUCK CAB. EVENING.
A MAN rides alone. he is rushing home to his girl. The scenery passes by and he watches the road.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. EVENING.
A GIRL sits at the kitchen table, looking out the window at the dusk. C.U. of GIRL, worried look.
INT. TRUCK CAB. EVENING.
The truck suddenly hitches to the right and the MAN frantically pulls at the wheel. C.U. of the man's scared face. The man pulls the truck over to the side of the road.
EXT. DIRT ROAD, OUTSIDE THE TRUCK CAB. EVENING.
The MAN walks around the truck to the passenger side to examine the tire. He is surprised.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. EVENING.
The GIRL still waits at the table alternately looking out the window and then at her watch. She gets up and walks to the phone hanging on the wall. She pushes some numbers and puts the phone to her ear. After a few seconds, she hangs the phone up without speaking to anyone. C.U. of the GIRL, worried and scared. Pan away.
EXT. DIRT ROAD, OUTSIDE OF TRUCK. NIGHT.
The MAN hauls out a tire jack from the back and looks under the truck for the spare tire. He pulls the tire out and then throws it away from him. C.U. the MAN is disgusted. Pan away. The spare tire is flat also.
EXT. DIRT ROAD. NIGHT.
A small light bounces in the dark. The MAN is walking to the nearest house. As he nears, a porch light flicks on.
EXT. HOUSE PORCH. NIGHT.
The door opens as the man approaches and another man fills the space. They speak and the first man enters the house. He walks to the phone and pushes some numbers.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. NIGHT.
The GIRL is pacing the floor. She looks nervous. She goes to the coat closet and gets her purse. Opening her purse she takes out a small bottle. She doesn't want to do this. He said that he would be here. He lied. She remembers him telling her that he would always be there for her. C.U. of the GIRL, desperation and anxiety war on her face.
EXT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. NIGHT
The MAN rushes to the door. He knows he has failed his girl and he hopes that she is okay.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. NIGHT.
The MAN opens the door and sees the GIRL lying on the floor. C.U. horror is apparent on his face. He rushes to her side and shakes her. She opens her eyes and looks up at him, alive, for now.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. NIGHT.
The MAN hugs the girl to him as tears run down his face.
INT. HOSPITAL. NIGHT.
The MAN talks to the DOCTOR as the GIRL lies in her bed hooked up to machines. The DOCTOR tells the MAN that this can't happen again. She won't make it through this again. She needs help, professional help. They agree. Fade away with the GIRL lying in her bed that she made of her own stupidity. The man has a hollow expression on his face.
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4 comments:
"She doesn't want to do this. He said that he would be here. He lied. She remembers him telling her that he would always be there for her."
Whoa--the camera can't show all this! Maybe if there's been earlier material an actor's face can carry some of it, but you're scurrying past the crux of the deal with movies: action. Show us the action!
Ditto with this: "The DOCTOR tells the MAN that this can't happen again. She won't make it through this again. She needs help, professional help. They agree."
Here you're telling us there's dialogue without giving us any.
So, my take is you've exhausted the possibilities with this. Is that so? If it is, let it go. If it isn't, take a deep breath and sit back down at the keyboard.
I could always change something, but I have to say that you are way better at this than I am. Man, you just pick this stuff apart. It takes me forever!!
I'm supposed to be able to pick it apart--in a good way, I hope, a teaching (not a discouraging) way.
You write very well.
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