INT. TRUCK CAB. EVENING.
A MAN rides alone. He is smiling and bobbing his head to the music. The scenery passes by and he watches the road.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. EVENING.
A GIRL sits at the kitchen table, looking out the window at the dusk. C.U. of GIRL, worried look.
INT. TRUCK CAB. EVENING.
The truck suddenly hitches to the right and the MAN frantically pulls at the wheel. C.U. of the man's scared face. The man pulls the truck over to the side of the road.
EXT. DIRT ROAD, OUTSIDE THE TRUCK CAB. EVENING.
The MAN walks around the truck to the passenger side to examine the tire. He is surprised.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. EVENING.
The GIRL still waits at the table alternately looking out the window and then at her watch. She gets up and walks to the phone hanging on the wall. She pushes some numbers and puts the phone to her ear. After a few seconds, she hangs the phone up without speaking to anyone. C.U. of the GIRL, worried and scared. Pan away.
EXT. DIRT ROAD, OUTSIDE OF TRUCK. NIGHT.
The MAN hauls out a tire jack from the back and looks under the truck for the spare tire. He pulls the tire out and then throws it away from him. C.U. the MAN is disgusted. Pan away. The spare tire is flat also.
EXT. DIRT ROAD. NIGHT.
A small light bounces in the dark. The MAN is walking to the nearest house. As he nears, a porch light flicks on.
EXT. HOUSE PORCH. NIGHT.
The door opens as the MAN approaches and another MAN fills the space. They speak and the first MAN enters the house. He walks to the phone and pushes some numbers.
INT. SMALL HOUSE IN CAMBRIDGE. NIGHT.
The GIRL is pacing the floor. She looks nervous and worried. She rushes to the phone as it rings and grabs it. Speaking to someone, the tension leaves her body and the worry is erased from her face. She hangs up and grabs her coat and keys. The GIRL exits the house.
EXT. NEAR THE TRUCK. NIGHT.
A car pulls up and the truck door opens. She exits the car and he exits the truck. They approach one another and hug. They share similar expressions of relief.
1 comment:
This has been interesting for me dealing with week 4. My comment is nearly the same for everyone (check the other students): not quite a story. You have tension. The woman is anxious. Then you have the release of tension. But stories require more--they require action on the characters' parts, overcoming problems.
What if the woman was going crazy with anxiety and went into the bathroom and picked up a bottle of Percocets? What if the man was terrified the girl was going to relapse? Then there is something at stake.
Or (pardon me for being corny) it's Xmas eve and the man has been on the road for two weeks and has promised to be home Xmas eve, and he's broken so many other promises before but he swore to keep this one...and then he breaks down and the girl begins to lose faith in her dad.
There has to be something at stake! He has to fight to get that damn truck on the road so he can play Santa! She has to fight to stay clean and sober! So, I think you have to push this harder. You're doing fine without dialogue--handling that very well--now think about the story some more and give it a push.
Post a Comment