ELLIE
Ma'am! Can I help you with that?
A young girl rushes up to an elderly woman who is carrying an arm full of groceries. The elderly woman struggles to hang on to her groceries and open the car door.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh yes, dearie. I don't have the strength in these arms that I once did.
She hands the two bags to ELLIE. After opening the door, the elderly woman turns to ELLIE and takes her groceries back.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Thank you for your help, young lady. It's not everyday when someone your age bothers to help an old lady. What's your name, dearie?
ELLIE
Ellie.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Well, Ellie. Thank you again. Now here's a dollar. Go home before it gets dark. Those hoodlums come out in the night.
ELLIE
No, no. Keep your money. I gotta get home before my parents come lookin' for me.
ELLIE walks to the corner after saying good bye to the elderly woman. On the corner stands a group of young people, horsing around. They see ELLIE and cat call to her.
GIRL FROM THE CROWD
Ellie, Ellie! Where you been at girl? We been lookin' for ya.
ELLIE
I've been busy.
BOY FROM THE CROWD
What? You been helpin' those bums again.
ELLIE
They're not bums! Just people a little down on their luck.
BOY FROM THE CROWD
Yeah, yeah, girl. Whatever you say. You think you gonna make you more glam so some parents will want you?
ELLIE
No, that's not what it's about.
GIRL FROM THE CROWD
Uh huh.
SECOND GIRL FROM THE CROWD
So, Ellie. We going to this rave tonight. You gonna be there. We missed you, hun.
ELLIE
Nah. I got homework.
ELLIE turns her back to the crowd and walks away.
GIRL FROM THE CROWD
Whatever, Ellie! You gone soft. You no fun no more.
ELLIE keeps walking as the insults bounce off her. She has places to be and a younger sister that looks up to her. ELLIE can't mess this up, not when they are so close to a family.
3 comments:
Scene, location? Supermarket parking lot--day?
As Ellie moves to the corner, we're getting new scenes, new locations that should be noted. Are we in Bangor Maine, the big city slums?
Okay--character=action=conflict.
We get Elie, a sweetheart, wanting to do right and be good, and we get her in conflict with her peers who want her to rave and (who knows?) ingest substances.
Good!
But, Amanda--you can't do this ! "ELLIE keeps walking as the insults bounce off her. She has places to be and a younger sister that looks up to her. ELLIE can't mess this up, not when they are so close to a family."
You're dropping a whole bunch of important information into a stage direction that the camera can't film anyway! We need to see the sister, see the 'close to a family' and what that looks like with pictures and actions.
Will you, without being discouraged, take another look at that and give it a second shot?
I think I know why I like to drop those bombshells. I feel like the scene gets too long and I try to lump info into something shorter... What to do, what to do... I'll try again. Give me some time. Yeah, place I forgot about that.. Sorry. I'll do it better next time.
"I feel like the scene gets too long and I try to lump info into something shorter"
Understandable--and that's not a way of saying your stuff is too long. All writers have to consider length and compression and how much is enought=--but the trick is to write and then trim, not to censor yourself before it's all (good AND bad) down on the page.
Post a Comment